megchap

Thanksgiving break has been the first time this semester that I've gotten to spend any significant amount of time at home. I loved being home! Moving has definitely made me appreciate home a lot more. I hope I get a week off from work during Christmas break so I can go home for a while and actually get to do some things.
It makes me kind of sad to think that that house will never be my true home again, unless I cant get a job after college. I really want to work in Sarasota when I graduate. It has a great school system and it's a beautiful town and I love my church there.
I remember wanting to get out soo badly and now that I'm gone I just want to go back, but like I was telling Amber...If I hadnt left then I'd still be there wishing that I was somewhere else. Moving has been good. Hard, but good and I'm glad I did. And I only have 2 1/2 more yrs of school left :) (man, that sounds like forever)

Lincoln: "Observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.... fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the ...full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union." http://bit.ly/6CuZEsSee More

President Lincoln is the man!

I love Thanksgiving cuz it's the one holiday where we get to spend time with some extended family. Most of my family lives in New Jersey and we used to have great big gatherings. My Dad has 4 siblings so it was always a lot of fun with the cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles, but now we live in FL so we dont get that. Fortunately, one of my Dad's sisters lives in FL too so we get together with her and my uncle and their kids on Thanksgiving and I love it. It's nice to spend time with them. Even though they only live an hour away we rarely see them.
Looking forward to some good food,football and hang time with my cousins!

Had a great weekend with my family and my Mom's 2 friends. Other than Ciera smoking pot in the apt before my parents got there and all the drama that ensued as a result, it really was a great weekend.

Saturday was great! Mom, Chris(my older bro), Me, my Aunt Ann Marie(my Mom's BFF) and her sister Joan went to campus in the morning and we just kind of walked around. It was cool to share the school with them. I dont technically go there, but i love the school and my brother goes to UF so i have a connection that way too.
But anyways, my brother's fiancee, Danielle's grandparents got us tickets to the game in the Champions Club so we had to get there around 11. I had never been there before, but it was super nice. It's this special part of the stadium with an inside area and you get good food and dessert! The seats were up very high, but they were covered so we werent too hot; acually i was kind of cool. The game was fun! but it was a little boring just cuz the team we played was so bad haha.

I dont have many pics cuz i was taking pictures of everything for my mom and her friends, but i have a few from the game:



Marching Band FTW!

My boyfriend Tim Tebow is in the middle <3 lol

Im still pretty tired from all the craziness. And there was soo much drama amidst the fun. idgi, i hate drama. Females really do annoy the crap out of me. I'm so glad i have 2 brothers and no sisters. I dont think i could handle having a sister. Solving problems with my brothers is so much easier than solving problems with girls.

So my roomate Ciera smokes pot has random guys come over in the middle of the night and she is sometimes rude. We've been dealing this for a while and we've had it. I dont know how most people feel about pot, but it doesnt matter how you feel, it's ILLEGAL! and Amber and I are totally agianst all kinds of drugs.

Tonight, she had her 2 cousins come over. Im just sitting on the couch minding my own business and i smell it and she KNEW that my parents are staying over this weekend. How does she think my parents are gonna feel about it when they smell marajuana. She's not going to be happy. Amber, Liz and I are gonna go to the apt complex ppl tomorrow and try to get her kicked out. This is ridiculous! I want to write more, but my parents are almost here.

I'm soo angry! How dare her! How could she bring illegal substances into our home!? This is basically how i feel about her right now. ************* ***********************************************************************************************************************************

I confronted her and she was all, "I'm sorry", but honestly she was kinda high. I was like, "You cannot smoke in the apt. It is unexceptable." "You can't do it. Ever." and Liz said, "You could get us all into a lot of trouble."

I hope we can get her kicked out! This is just a mess. I'm just baffled by her stupidity and audacity and complete lack of consideration for the other 3 ppl that live here.

I love these lyrics! This is what the church is supposed to be. 1 body of Christ!


Beautified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You're irreplaceable, indispensable
You're incredible
You're incredible

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Strengthen your arms now
Train your fingers for battle
Urgency's here now
Train your fingers for battle
Fighting this violence
With your feet wrapped in peace
Sad tears and silence
Now screams of joy
Victory

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying

We're not gonna fall and forget
How far You went to pick us up
If one part's hurt the whole body's sick
If one part mourns we all mourn with Him
Rejoice, we'll sing with you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

I'm in the MOST retarded fight with Amber. There isnt even anything to fight about and yet we're not speaking. She drives me crazy!

Yesterday was so much fun! Amber and I went to the Dollar Store and stocked up on Christmas decorations for our apt. When we got home she went next door to her sis's apt to get something and i went to the bathroom while she was over there, but my bedroom door was open so i guess she thought i was hangin in my room and she started talking to me, but uh...i was a little busy going to the bathroom, but she started sounding confused as to why i wasnt answering her so i said  I was in the bathroom, but i guess she didnt hear me so i said it again, but she still didnt seem to hear me so i yelled it and she was like, "Well!!" in this sarcastic/hurt kind of way and im like "I said it 3 times" and she was like, "Well, i didnt hear you" and i said "That's why i said it again"

This all happened pretty fast so i  washed my hands and went into the kitchen to wash some dishes and she finally came out of her room to do laundry and I said, "I didnt mean to be rude. I yelled so that you could hear me." and she said nothing. She continued doing laundry then walked back to her room and slammed the door. Why? I have no freakin clue!

It was just a misunderstanding and she's all bent out of shape about it and I'm sick of it! I dont deserve to be treated this way and she needs to learn not be such a drama queen!

So this time I'm not going to talk to her first. If she wants to freeze me out then I'll let her. The ball is in her court. It's a little experiment. I wonder how long it will take for her to start talking to me? My guess is a while. She's pretty stubborn...............well, guess what Amber, so am I. I am actually known for my stubborness.

I tried to be mature about it and talk to her right after it happened, but she chose to ignore me. I'm not letting her get away with being immature and petty this time. If she cares about our friendship then she'll try and fix it.

Well, i wrote this whole long, thoughtful post, but...im not sure what happened. LJ sent me to another page and i lost everything that i wrote. I really liked this post too. :( So now i wil try to rewrite it .


Today's sermon really called me out on something that I've been struggling with for a while now. It was about service.
 

I've always enjoyed helping people and I started volunteering at my church in Sarasota in middle school. I was a leader in training in the Awana program for a couple of years. I'd volunteer in the church's workroom or office during winter and summer break if they needed extra help. I've stuffed envelopes. And ive been a food server during events. I started volunteering for the tech ministry when i was 13 and ran a camera during service for about 5 1/2 years. I played the clarinet in the Christmas production for a few years and last January i played weekly with the orchestra at church. I've volunteered at VBS for many summers.

In high school I was a member of the Lady Sailor Service Club all 4 years and my senior year i was secretary of the club. We did a service project every month.

A lot of times I would whine about "not feeling like it," but i always ended up being blessed by the experience.

I've been feeling sort of empty recently and i havent been able to figure out exactly why: Relationship with God. check. roof over my head. check. a job. check. food to eat . check. good friends. check. giving of myself to help someone and thinking of others. ???.

God tells us to serve others and He says that we shouldn't just serve others because we feel like it's a rule or something, but we should do it with a spirit of joy and because we love peole and want to help them.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (James 1:22-24)
This verse really hit me today. It humbled me. Have I forgotten who I am? Maybe I have a little bit.

Since Ive moved to g-ville i havent done anything to help anyone. Ive done a little i guess, but not with the right attitude. Im used to serving others and the truth is that i miss it. I miss helping people and knowing that ive done something positive and helpful with my time.

I've been having the nagging feeling for a while now that I need to start volunteering, but I just ignored it. God's been calling me to do something and Ive been ignoring Him and that never leads to good things. His plan for me is better than anything I could come up with myself, but i get so caught up in my day to day life that I forget there's a bigger picture and God sees the bigger picture.
”‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13, NIV)

I really want next semester to be different. My church tutors children at a local elementary school and I think that I'd like to be involved in that.

I really need to take charge of my spiritual life. I dont have my parents around anymore to push to be better. I have to do it myself. If I continue to ignore God's calling then I'll never grown closer to Him....and how can i expect to? If He's showing me the path that leads to something good and I ignore Him because I dont have time or I'm afraid of trying new things then i'll never experience life the way He intended me to.

A lesson in obedience and serving others with joy and in the name of Christ.

So i bought most of my Christmas cards last week. Early, i know, but at least it's done and now I dont have to worry about it.

I bought a card for my BFF, Amber, and i really like what it says and i think ya'll will like it as well:

"Good friends don't need
any formal appointment-
they'll leave what they're doing
at the drop of a hat
to lend support when we're face with a crisis
or meet us somewhere
for dessert and a chat.

Good friends can lounge
in their grungies-
indulge in their quirks
without being thought odd,
for friends see and celebrate
all our uniqueness-
our deep-down true selves,
not some glitzy facade.

Good friends don't need
to soft-pedal opinions,
to hide what we feel,
or explain what we do.

How do I know this?
I learned from the best one-
the finest, most generous
of loyal friends, you!"

I really like the way this card describes friendships :)

Yesterday was the CRAZIEST day of my life....in both good and bad ways.

I went with my friend Becca. We left at about 1:40 in the afternoon and should've taken us about 2 hours to get there. Welp, we didnt get there till almost 5pm! We got lost. I was an idiot and got my directions from MapQuest and apparently they're always wrong. It was actually kind of scary and expensive cuz there were soo many tolls.

Once we finally got there we went straight to the box office to pick up the lost voucher ticket things, but they said they didnt print them till 5. So we went to the HOB gift shop to buy $15 worth of merchandise so that we could get into a special line. Well, that line was already pretty long. So we hung out in line for a while and then a security guy came up to us and the people around us and said that Paramore's manager did not want any cameras inside and that there was going to be a camera check and if you got caught with one you'd be taken out of the concert and not allowed back in until you got rid of the camera. He said that he thought it was the dumbest thing ever, but those were the rules. I didnt want to risk having to leave to show for a second...even if he was just bluffing I didnt want to risk it so I put my camera back in my car.

We finally got let in at about 6:45 and we found a spot on the stairs right up front on Taylor's side of the stage. It was the PERFECT spot because we were still right up front, but we didnt have to deal with the insanity of the pit and we were up higher so we could see very well. The only downside was that the speakers were right next to us so the bass and rythm guitar came out louder than Hayley and I couldnt really hear Josh very much at all. But anyway 7:30 took forever to come, but finally the Swellers came on and they were fantastic. Good music and they had a good energy and the singer can really sing. I enjoyed their set a lot! During the Swellers' set Hayley was on the side of the stage singing along. I guess noone else notcied, but I just kept watching her. It was wierd/cool to see her doing something other than performing in person.

After the Swellers there was a long break and they had the most annoying music playing. It made me want to kill myself. Eventually Paper Route came on. I wasnt really into their first song, but I liked a few in the middle. However, it felt like their set just went on and on. I was ready for them to finish. I dont know if ppl at other shows noticed, but i think Taylor played the drums(not drumset) on one of their songs.

During Paper Route's set Brandon (Chesbro) was photographing them, but before their set finished I guess he was ready to leave. The security people wouldnt let him out thru the staircase where some security ppl were sitting so he had to come up the stairs where i was standing. I felt kind of bad for him having to push through all of those ppl. He walked right passed me. I sort of wanted to say hi, but 1) i felt like maybe that'd be wierd and 2) he didnt look too happy lol.

During the wait for Paramore we just watched the crew change the set and then we were all looking up into these windows on the second floor adjacent to the stage. It was the room where Paramore was getting ready and we saw Josh. He eventually looked out at us and all of these girls around me started freaking out and then he pulled the blinds shut haha.

Right before they came on stage, their manager Andrew (? is that his name...not Will the other one) came pushing from behind to talk with security. I'm not gonna judge him cuz i'm sure he was just focused on doing his job, but he was kind of rude.

Then Paramore came on and it was crazy and awesome! Hayley sounds so much girlier in person lol. I was so close to Taylor it was crazy. I was thinking of Hayleynicole88 the whole time lol. But seriously, i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. After a couple songs i was like, I really need to pay attention to the whole band aha. But yeah, #Taylove is now rivaling #Joshlove lol. So, if anyone wants to fangirl over Taylor Im so in!

It's all kind of a blur now, but one thing I do remember that was really funny was that during one of Hayley's little talking times someone in the crowd had drawn a picture of Horatio and she was like, "Is that what I think it is?" And she talked about how he haunts her. It was funny....at least to the ppl that got it. Im sure some people were confused hahah. Then, one more time during the show their manager pushed me out of the way to get down to the front.
The girl in front of me, probably 13, was irritating during the show. She kept throwing her head around like crazy. I think she was trying to be cool or something, but her hair kept whipping me in the face. And then for 3 songs she made a little heart symbol with her hands and was trying to get Jeremy to see it and it blocked my view. I just wanted to smack her...or pull her hair.

Paramore didnt play the Miracle outro. Im a little disappointed because that's one of my favorite things that they've written and i dont know how often they're going to use it after this tour. I wish they had! But i didnt even notice that they didnt play it till the ride home. The show was amazing! It was so much fun and the music was great. Hayley, Jeremy, and Taylor all looked over and smiled. Not sure if it was at me or someone close by, but it was still cool.

After the show Becca and I went upstairs to go to the merch tables, but it was packed so we went to the bathroom and then got some water. We were just gonna hang out and wait for the crowd to die down when this girl comes up to us and asked if we had a sharpie because she just met the lead singer of Between the Trees and she wanted to get his autograph. I happened to have a sharpie...it was pink lol. So we went with this girl and her friend and met Ryan. He was soo nice and signed the girls' stuff and Becca's ticket. I didnt know where my ticket was and i didnt want to fumble around my purse looking for it so i was just like, "I dont have anything" *sorta sad face*. He let it go for like, a minute and then he looked down at his shirt and took the HOB sticker off of it and signed it and gave it to me. I thought that was really nice of him. He was just a really cool/nice dude.

We gave up on going to the merch table cuz it was still packed so we went outside...maybe hoping that Paramore might come out. Paper Route was hanging out right outside the venue and ppl were talking to them, but I wasnt really interested in meeting them. I was kind of hoping that The Swellers would be out there, but they werent. I then saw a group of ppl on the side of the gift shop so we went over and there were a lot of ppl waiting for Paramore to come out. We waited for a while, but we gave up. I dont think they'd come out when there was soo many ppl there, but maybe they did. As we were heading out I noticed that The Swellers had finally come out and so I wanted to meet them. They were talking to some people so we just stood there awkwardly for a bit and then we asked for a picture. We used Becca's phone to take the picture and the girl that was taking it for us couldnt figure it out and Nick(the singer) was like, "C'mon I have to pee." not really in a rude way though lol. We finally took the picture and then i talked to Nick for a minute. He was really nice......and i have to say, he's pretty good looking haha.

So that was basically it. We left at a little after 11pm and i didnt get home till about 2:30am and i didnt get to sleep till after 3am. Im a little sleepy today and my body hurts.

I'm sure i forgot a bunch of stuff, but oh well haha

Here are some pictures. They're pretty crappy cuz they're from my phone it's better than nothing i guess

                                                       
The Swellers                                                                                                   Paper Route

                                    

      
 

So, I'm going to see Paramore play on Monday with my friend Becca!! I almost cant believe that this worked out. I spent most of my day on the phone.....on hold.....with ticketmaster and the HOB. I finally got talking with someone who could help me. Her name was Silvia and she told me that i could have 'lost vouchers' for my tickets that i pick up at the box office the day of the show! So problem solved!

I wish i hadnt gotten into a collosal fight with my parents, though. My mom and I are fine now, but my dad is apparently all hurt and what not. Oh well. It's the first big fight I've ever had with my parents so they should feel pretty good that it took 19 1/2 years for me to become ~rebellious lol

I just want to say THANK YOU all for being such good friends! Your support the last couple of days has been wonderful and I appreciate it very much. It all seems so dramatic and silly now that it's over, but I suppose that's how these things always feel once they're resloved. You guys are the best. I hope I can be there for you as much as you guys have been there for me! <3

My roommate/bff Amber has the Swine flu. She spent half the day at the doctor's office and half the day on the couch in the living room. Well, i spent the whole afternoon with her in the living room and, obviously, I've been living with her so im kind of afraid that i might get it.

I wasnt too worried before, but my brother just came over from next door-----Amber's sister Danielle lives next door to us and Danielle is my brother's fiance-----and apparently she is showing symptoms of the swine flu. She has a high fever and body aches and stuff so now I'm worried that I'm next. I've had a headache all afternoon and that's one of the biggest symptoms. I rly cant afford to get sick and i mean afford. It would suck to miss school, but i dont think it'd be the worse thing, but i'd feel really bad if i had to take off of work. My boss is a nice guy, but i'd still be afraid to call him and tell him that i need a whole week off.

Plus, the Paramore concert is a week from Monday. I have to go. Seriously, I have to go. I cant get swine flu!

So please please say a prayer for me and my friends. Both Danielle and Amber have incredibly important tests this week! Amber's test is kind of a life changing test so she needs to be in tip top shape.

Anyways, the Swine Flu is among us :{

I know ive been posting a lot, but you know if it annoys you then you dont have to be my "friend", js. I dont want anyone to stop being my friend I just feel like ive been posting a lot and i hope it doesnt annoy anyone, but i guess i understand if it does.

Some of my favorite lyrics off the top of my head:

"Oh and I'm on my way to believing"

"What a shame we all became such fragile broken things/ A memory remains/ Just a tiny spark"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones/ Your words they surely kill, they surely kill"

"Sometimes life seems to quite into paralyzing silence/ Like the moonless dark meant to make me strong"

"I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive so I'm gonna start over tonight beginning with you and I."

"It's not prefection yet/ How boring if it is/Nothing new for me."

"I won't let you fall away, you will never fade away."

"I've been around long enough by now to know I see things differently than most."

"Time out if everyone's worth pleasing...well HA HA!"

"Holding onto patience wearing thin/ I cant force these eyes to see the end."

"I asked for love/ I asked for mercy/ I asked for patience, but You're already all of these things."

"This heart it beats, beats for only You."

"Please dont go now/ Please dont fade away"

"You can't tell me to heal and it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down."

"You shine brighter than anyone!"

"Could have given up so easily/ I was a few cheap shots away from the end of me"

"Pain make your way to me, to me/ And I'll always be just so inviting"

"You are Lord of Lords/ You are King of Kings/ You are Mighy God/ Lord of everything
You're Emmanuel/ You're the Great I Am/ You're the Prince of Peace who is the lamb
You're the Living God/ You're my saving grace/ You will reign forever/ You are Ancient of Days
You are Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End/ You're my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and Friend
You're my Prince of Peace and I will live my life for You!"



 

My mom is now on twitter. :''''( Oh, and my dad has been on twitter longer then me.

Why does she want a twitter????

Oh wait, i know why....So she can know everything i say to every single person I know.

WHY can't have a place that's mine?? WHY cant they just give me twitter? I wont be able to tweet the same way now that both my parents are on twitter. They've already taken over facebook! I cant say stuff or express myself on facebook w/o getting a call from my mother telling me how inappropriate my fb status was. So now i have to sensor everything i say instead of just being allowed to say what i want. How would she feel if her parents did that kind of thing to her when she was a kid?

But of course I cant tell her that I would prefer she not use twitter and be honest and open because she'll take it personally. I can just hear her now, "Why dont you want me to be a part of your life? wah wah wah" She'll assume that i dont love her....in fact she'd probably think that i hate her and want nothing to do w/ her. Now tell me, how can i be honest with a person like that?

I cant even post lyrics on fb w/o everyone thinking im depressed and going to jump off a cliff! Seriously.

I'm hoping she doesnt get into it, but i can see her checking it everyday and comparing what i say on twitter to what i say on fb. UUUUGGGHHH

I've really come to love twitter cuz i can just be myself, but i feel like my mom is going to question everything i tweet now. Like, i posted a sigh this morning....she better not ask me why! Tweets are basically word vomit, but she won't understand that. It was annoying enough to have my dad there. Why isnt my mom content with having him relay every detail of my life?
Thank God for LJ. It's the only place i have now that's mine.
I'm actually really sad about this.

Why oh why?!?!

I just dont want them to know every thought in my head cuz they dont get me so they wont get my thoughts. *sigh*

This is seriously like a bad dream.

i srsly think that i might not pass my history class. I honestly can't believe it. I hate the setup of the class soo much. And the thing is im trying really hard, but i just cant do well on this guy's quizzes+tests. I DONT fail things or get Cs or Ds, i just don’t. Well, except for now. Apparently I'm an average student :|
and the part that gets me worried is the fact that I'm a history major!!!
I'm just trying to tell myself that the setup of the class is the problem because there's a part of me that is now doubting everything I'm working toward. I'm trying not freak, but i haven't gotten anything higher than a C on any of the quizzes and my professor passed back part of our test today and i got a C on that. I studied really hard for that test. It's seems that no matter how hard I work for this class I can only manage to get a C......or lower :(

I want to cry! I've never been one of those kids. I always get A's or B's. I don't know what's wrong with me this semester, but I feel like I'm such a failure. I'm not interested in any of my classes...they honestly bore me to death; maybe that's part of the problem. But I'm scared. What if I'm not smart enough to handle classes at the University of Florida? I mean im only at community college rn. If I can't handle this what makes me think I can handle UF?

The annoying part is that I cant tell my parents cuz they'll freak and make me feel worse....like somehow im trying to fail. Plus, everyone always thinks I'm soo smart, but I'm not. They're all like, "Dont worry about getting into UF, you'll be fine, you're so smart, blah blah blah." Yeah, well i might have some trouble getting in if i fail a class!!

I'd consider withdrawing, but then i'd have to pay the state of Florida back the money for the class because techinically they paid for it and because of the new rules for the Bright Futures Program if you withdraw from a class you have to pay them back the money.

I feel like this isn't my fault cuz every single person in the class that ive talked to is struggling because the class is setup backwards. You have to read the chapter from the book (SOO DRY and BORING btw) and then take a quiz on it. Then on Thurday we have an in class lecture where he actually teaches the material. So basically, we're being tested on the material before we're taught it. It's so frustrating cuz there's nothing I can do. It's not like you can get tutoring for understanding concepts that you havent been taught. There's some other things that I think are making it more difficult, but the format of the class is the main one.

Ugh, i CANNOT fail this class. I just need to work harder somehow. I will get an A on the next test. I have to. I cant let this class destroy my GPA.


On another note. I havent been able to cry for a while now. I'm not sure what that means. I feel like crying a lot, but I never let myself. It'd probably be best to get all of these repressed feelings out, but I just cant. As soon as the tears start forming I repress them before I even think about it. I didnt even cry(good tears) when my brother got engaged even though i wanted to.

"If anyone loves me, he will obey my teachings. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."-Jesus


"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." -Jesus

So much of my life I've doubted myself, thinking that i wasn't good enough......for anything really. I felt like i had no talent and no purpose and sometimes i still feel that way. I dont know if it's because i'm too much of a perfectionist and so if im not automatically good at something then i am a failure. i hate disappointing people, God, and myself. So many people have faith in me and tell me that i am good at things and that im smart and mature. Sometimes i believe them and i can see it. Sometimes i dont.

A very smart man revealed a truth about the way things work. He said that when you get those random feelings of worthlessness and you believe that you're not good enough and you never will be it's just satan accusing you. the devil has access to heaven and he goes to God and says, "Megan isn't good enough. Look at her. She's timid and scared. She fails in so many ways." He's attacking me and i feel it.

But thank the Lord Almighty in Heaven, my savior Jesus Christ, that it all doesnt matter. My failures dont matter to God because i belong to Him. When i was saved all those years ago and i invited the Holy Spirit to live inside me God wiped clean all of the mistakes i had made and all of the ones i was going to make. I am pure in His eyes. What an incredible gift! One that i certainly dont deserve, but i am thankful for it nonetheless.

I dont know why i thought about this tonight, maybe i just needed to write it down.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.....im so bad at verse names and numbers, but that's a good one for me to remember. I need to write it on my heart so that when i am scared i can find courage through Him.
 

I love you God. I dont tell You enough, but I really do. I want to be better, please help me! No matter how far or close we are in our relationship I am Yours. You deserve more from me; you deserve better. Thank You for being patient and loving me consistently! I want to have the joyfullnes that only You can give. I want to live with hope and i want to be a light in this world. I want to do good and i want to give You the glory. Without You my mind would plunge into the depths of dispair.....ive been close and ive fallen down, but You were holding my hand the whole time.
"Pain is just simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it." I dont want to gain anything if it causes pain for someone else. It's not worth it. I dont want to be responsible for tainting or hurting a heart. Causing a tiny break to a heart and taking away a bit of its innocence is the lowest thing i could do because that's what people have done to me. They've cut away at my heart piece by piece, little by little and now i find myself thinking about me and how to protect my heart from being hurt again. But i dont matter. I dont. If i close my heart off from people to protect myself then i end up limiting what God can do through me. How can i help someone when i dont truly care? 
Help me to be open God! Help me to care! Help me to truly love people! Help me to not be afraid! I want to do right and i want to be a reflection of You. I do. Dont just let this be a prayer, an idea; i want to live this. i want to be this. I really do. I want to regain my optimism and hope and compassion. I want to be me again and not the person ive let myself become. I want to be better! I want to make You proud and I want to be a good reflection of You. You know me so well. You already know my heart, but i bet it's nice for You to actually hear me say these things :) I love you God. I dont tell You enough, but i really do. I want to be better, please help me!

Welp, i realized today that i decide my own happiness. Life is what you make it right?

Amber and i made up at church this morning. I feel bad about how i've handled this whole thing. Although, in my defense i've never had a friend with an eating disorder before. 

I decided that I'm going to be happy and enjoy life. I'm so blessed and I don't want to take everything I have for granted. I think that I think too much sometimes.
I'm naturally an optimist. I need to get back to that.
I feel like i just woke up. I dont know what changed, but I'm different now :)

Sorry for all of my complaining recently, but i think that was part of the process that lead to how i feel today.

Oh my gosh! Today has been insane.

So i had an appointment for my car at Sears to get the compressor replaced because i havent had AC in my car for about a year (im sure ive complained about that enough, but really, i live in Florida and it's fricken hot and the sun is more intense here than in most other places in the US)

 

( Here's the story )

Whew, i feel better :)

Ok, so my parents and my little brother came up friday night. My mom stayed with me at my apartment and my lil bro and Dad stayed with my older brother at his apartment. (i hate sharing my bed) anyway....friday night at like 3 in the morning i hear this loud skid and the CRASH!! totally woke me up. i knew it was a car crash and of course my first thought is that my car got hit so i looked out the window and i see the crashed SUV and it's right near where my car was parked, but i could sorta tell that it hadnt hit my car. It was soooo close to it though. I did not sleep well the rest of the night.

So I woke up extremely tired on Saturday. Then i had to start planning my day. My parents and I had to go to Sears at the mall to get my car worked on. Ive been driving around with a nearly flat tire for like, 2 weeks (kinda scary, it's been putting me on edge). ----Now i just got my loan and grant money in the mail and so ive been trying to decide what to do with it-----So i decide that I'm probably going to replace 2 tires on my car and FINALLY get my air conditioning fixed. I have been living in Florida for almost a year now without air in my car. This summer has been absolutely horrible. It's been sooo hot and humid and it's actually exhausting to drive in my car because you get so hot and sweaty.
So i drove to the bank to deposit the money, but because of Labor Day it won't be available till Wednesday so my parents paid for my tires and im gonna pay them back next week. So i meet my parents at the mall and we wait in line for a while to get my car all checked in. Then we went to the food court and got something to eat. Then at 1:00 i had to go to work (luckily i work in the mall). So i work for 4 hrs, which felt like 10.

Oh, and while all of this is going on friends of ours from church call us and say they're up in gainesville and they have 2 extra tickets to the football game and so they came to the mall and dropped them off.

So right after work i head home change clothes, read Hayley's LJ update, and head to campus. My dad dropped my mom and i off kind of far away from the stadium so we walked for, like 15 min and then found our seats. They were fantastic seats!! Close enough to the field so that i could see without wearing my glasses, but far enough away that we could tell where the ball was...if u watch football u know what i mean. The ppl we were sitting around were all soo nice.

I love going to the games because there's so much tradition and pride for the team. There's all of these chants/cheers the crowd does with the band during the game. There's just soo much tradition; it's such a fun atmosphere!! And of course the Gators were #1 going into the season and we won the National Championship last year! Every Gator fan is so pumped for this season cuz it's a good team this year! They made some mistakes last night, but still slaughtered the other team 62-3. The game started at 7 so we didnt leave the swamp till 10:45ish. My mom and i were going to try and stand by the Reitz Union and then have my Dad just stop and we'll hop into the car. There was so much traffic that it took a while to get there and then he totally didnt see us and passed us. So my mom and go running after him lol.

So we didnt get home till, i dunno, close to midnight. Then i took a shower and wanted to sleep so desperately! but my mom decided it would be a nice time to talk so she rambled on for 10-15 min. I tried to be nice and converse w/ her, but i was kinda mad. I REALLY wanted to sleep and she just kept going on and on....

My parents left this morning at 6am cuz they need to get home in time for church so i got up at 6am, briefly. Then i woke up again at 7:30 to get ready for church. I am soo tired today, but there's no rest for the weary. After church i have to do laundry and then i have to work till 6. I am not looking forward to work, mostly because im so tired and my feet hurt so fricken bad :(

Ok, wow this was long....sry
 

i was gonna post some pics but my computer is being stupid :\

Dear Friend, what's on your mind?
You don't laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there's nothing I can do
I know you don't feel pretty
Even though you are
But it wasn't your beauty
That found room in my heart

Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend

Dear friend, I'm here for you
I know that you don't talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don't feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don't feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasnt your strength
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend-- Dear Friend by Stacie Orrico

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4MwwP5iAq4